Feel.


  Being an open book - is it a curse? I've always been a open person. I enjoy leaving a piece of myself wherever I go. When people open up to me or offer a slice of themselves, I never take it for granted or see them as weak. It only validates the fact that they're more human. I think opening up with one another unifies us on an unspeakable level. For someone like me, having so many thoughts that are unfathomable - to perhaps more than half the human race - leave me with questions and doubts in my hands. Often, this is followed by disappointment of lacking reciprocation. Welcome, the unwelcome woes. It’s all part of the forgotten innermost workings of my brain. Believe me, I try to refrain from being too overwhelmed by my feelings. 'Oh, stop thinking so much!' they say and sigh, but it's not very easy to stop. These feelings, they're a part of me.

  Perhaps the more I dish out, the more I expect to receive. That's it, exactly. I inherently let expectations surround my relations with others. In honesty, I don't expect a whole lot from people I become close to. Is mutual effort, respect, trust, care and a genuine bond too much to ask for? And once all those are checked off the list and I finally feel at ease, they take turns disappearing - whether it be physically or emotionally. It's either a great blow in the form of unprecedented events, or simply their fading involvement in my life. This is my dilemma. I understand I should never have to rely on others to keep the doubt at bay, but how can one whom is intrinsically a people person survive? I rarely seek benefits from myself when alone. It's a withdrawal, leading myself to reassess it all.

  I end up blaming myself but at the end of the day, I know I am not at fault. (Sometimes I stray from that reality check, I can't help it.) I can't fault anyone. After all, I did everything in my power to sustain the relationship; in fact, you shouldn't have to incessantly try with people whom love you. As such, I am let down a great deal of times due to enstrangement. I don't know if it's a recurring cause behind this, or simply bad luck. At this point I am torn. My pages have been nothing but left askew and unrecovered, from some having been ripped out.

'I know you're keeping to your own sound, you're running out of sight when the light goes down.' - Bombay Bicycle Club

  It's so bittersweet, this ongoing journey - 2014, you were only just in my grasp - as if it were again, the beginning of endings. I'm not sure what sorts of antics and monumental times I can foresee about the rest of the year, truly. (Believe me, if I could I probably would.) All I know is that I am was determined to live in the now with minimal frustrations and woes, before time were to pass by. But I'm a total failure with that. I always revisit the past and am haunted by premonitions. It's hypocrisy at its finest: I advise people to not have any regrets but I myself have plentiful. I hold onto halcyon days and lustfully idealise them till the absence of it in present day hurts. It's difficult to rid myself of the past I was indulged in, to look at where I am today and admit this.

  The loved ones I know are the ones who bring me to the edge. Everyone hurts.

  It's such a rut. Sometimes I can get embarrassed by such surging emotions. I know others can't seem to deal with the calibre by which I am devoted to these relations. I value people highly and it's heartwrenching when not returned. I'll put too much thought into something, for someone and when it goes haywire, I feel as if a fool. I have to speak up, I have to make amends, and I have to cut ties, - all to look out for myself, too. It seems to mount to nothing. I'll have to apologise for it, and soon I'll be apologising for everything. (For my feelings and thoughts, my entire existence even.) Pardon me though, as I always reminisce; I'm always feeling.

  Feeling what? I don't know. I'd scramble for words to describe them yet they're a range, really. These feelings flash before me and conflict, metamorphosing to find their ways to track me physically; I can't run nor hide. Maybe I'm getting it all wrong, but my attempts line up next to one another and taunt me. They don't point and laugh, they don't smile. There is silence. They go by without a care in the world.

  The right people at the wrong time. Feeling the wrong way at the wrong time. I just want to feel right.

'And the world went on, but I'd always knew you'd come.' - Bombay Bicycle Club

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3 comments:

  1. I have to say; I am completely opposite. I am very closed. For so long, a lot of people didn't accept me for who I am, so I closed myself up and since I haven't been able to let people have a "slice" of me as you said.

    Although, through my blog, now that I think about it, it's different. I feel like I am a little bit more open on my blog than what I am in real life. Crazy.

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  2. I think being an open book is a very beautiful and rare thing to be so i admire you. I used to be closed off but now like you I do try and be open and share who I am with others because I noticed that before they really had a wrong view of who I am and needed to change it. But I also do it like you said to kind of get people to be more open with me but I've found it doesn't really work because people are who they are and I can't force them to be honest and open with me.

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  3. I completely know what you mean, having a tendency to overshare is probably one of my worst qualities and the cause for my bigger regrets. But at the end of the day, we can be pretty outgoing and fun ;) this was such a lovely post, as always xx

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A huge shoutout to my readers who acknowledge my efforts, and continue to spur me on. I can't thank you enough! The words I receive in turn are so heartwarming. To have come so far from a homemade blog back in 2011, to know that I have reached out to others - it fills me with mirth; say, a cause for my existence. I hope you enjoy paging through this blog, as much as I find repose from pouring myself into it. And don't be shy, I'd really like to hear from you!
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